Santiago's Revenge
                                             Shredder canyon
                                                 April "00"

So it all begins with the Dehesa bunch deciding to go to Santiago's Revenge this year. We missed the last couple of years because ha! Well we did that's all! We did Shredder canyon BTW.

Matt Osburn, Brad Dokken and I came up from San Diego all in Budville (my MHO) because Matt's YJ is awaiting some massive rebuilding and Dok is waiting for a rear end on his TJ so they rode with me. We paired up w/Brad Kilby's & Dok and Matt and myself for the run and we we're all to meet at Castle Enterprises in Burbank.

So with Poky in tow we leave. Kilby bought a new Power washer for hi MH and had an employee working on it hard when we showed up. Hahahaha! What a poser!

We have to go eat hamburgers because Dok will pass out without and steady line of food moving towards his face every few hours. He did however bring a case of beer w/ him which is very uncharacteristic of him for sure. Oh yeah! Did I mention he gets toasted on one beer?  hahaha! Of course it's no wonder since he drains the can quicker than a flushed toilet in the Ritz! Goes right smack dab to sleep he does!  It's pretty funny.

Where was I???? Oh yeah! So Kilby finally gets the TJ-7 hooked up to his house on wheels and we tool on down the road. It takes us about an hour from his shop. Nobody is there hardly when we get there so we get our choice of parking spaces. We get pretty close to the hot dog stand, a good thing too! We consumed 1100 dogs over the weekend. Used up all the toilet paper in the MH and in general took care of ourselves as all good men do when the women ain't around to mess things up for us with all those complicated dinners and such they always make us eat. Besides it takes way less time to do your business in the morning when trying to get ready for the run when you can grenade the holding tank with 40 beers, 11 Chile  Dogs and a carton of cigg's.

There are two runs on both days. The rough run and the very rough run. Being that we ain't no stinking sissies (and were afraid to admit we really wanted the easier run) we signed up for the super duper double throw me down bite me lick me kick me kiss me on the lips run for both days. Especially Matt and Dok who wanted to see carnage since they didn't bring anything to wreck with them. Well anyway.

So early the next morning  at about 9:00 am we get in line. I went on this run primarily because it didn't start until 10:30 Fri, Hahahaha! hey I had a late night ok! So the next thing I know the most absurd thing happens. What's that floor jack doing there I say's to myself? They are lifting the jeeps to make sure nobody is lying about having lockers. Hmmm! I don't like that much but they make fun out of it and I decide to let it go. Pokey won't hook up it seemed in the front end. Step on the brake a little they say! I do! Hmm! Nada! Don't worry about it I tell em! It lock's up when I need it to. Nope we got to check it to make sure. Well by this time I'm getting red necked and ready to go climb the shitter wall to prove there ain't nothing wrong with Pokey. In other words I'm getting indignant as hell real quick!  Try to pull it off the jack someone yell's to see if it will hook up. I try, It don't budge an inch! Again knowing it was ok I says, "don't worry about it  it hooks up just fine. Finally some bystander looks in and says try putting it in 4 wheel drive.  Hahahahahaha! Man now I really feel like an idiot! I am of course, so no harm done. It does make me a little self conscious so I slip all those levers into something or another and boy does it hook up! Drags the guys jack for 4 feet in the dirt.  I ask if they want to check the back too! ah! no I think it'll be ok he say's. heh heh! They're probably thinking I'd get into the wrong line anyway with such massive intellect so they finally let me through to line up.

Well, I finally do get in the right line and get right behind Kilby the leaf spring king of the TJ set. We go back to the staging area to get a speech on trail etiquette from the trail leader. A fine fellow indeed he turned out to be too! Great people all around as a matter of fact. So, he starts out telling us about the trail a bit and the rules of the road so to speak. Dok snickers some, heh heh! Beer and Dok are bad man!! Anyway, he says there are just a few rules and they will be strictly observed on this trip. I swallow hard as if I just had sex by my self. Man! maybe these guys are to mean for a law abiding feller such as myself. No escaping it! I gotta act like I ain't afraid So.'s I don't let the Dehesa bad boys get a name for being sissies. Course they all are cep't for me anyway but! Ah shit I forgot where I was. Oh yeah! Anyway this guy Don was his name, he says absolutely no drinking on the trail #1. Ok, I figure I can sneak in a brewski if I run out of the bubbly brew from last night's fiasco. No problemo there! 2nd, you get three try's to make an obstacle and your history. Either a rope of dynamite or whatever but the line will be kept moving. No problemo with that for me cuzz I of course never require such pansy assed devices to get Pokey along on the trail. But no beer! sheesh! I've never done a trail sober. Just kidding for God's sake take a pill ok!
3rd, if you break down and you cannot get your truck running within 15 minutes you will be moved one way or another off to the side of the trail and the whole group will pass you buy and laugh like hell at your ineptness and trail etiquette. heh heh! I an't got no stinking etiquette anyway so there ya go! Still no problem far as I can tell. I can fake it and hide under the blanket to sit the bubbly whenever necessary. Oh yeah and it's only 9 miles to the trail head across town and through the business district. Except it's more like 20 miles and I already aired down to 12 lb's! Oh my!! What to do. Ah screw it I got super duty tough as nails BFG's yeah! Not those poser SSR's ok! They suck BTW!! Save you money and learn to drive and you won't need such over priced balloons on there to begin with. But, if you get tired of em send em to me will ya! I may try them out for you to see if you we're right in disregarding them in the first place. And of course! he continued, not to worry we will never get over 55 or so anyway they tell me. Yeah right! My speedo must be sooooooooo far off it got twisted in the last 100 MPH drag race I was in. There was one guy there that said his top end was 30 MPH! Whooo man! And of course don't burn the forest down with Cigg butt's! These guys have lived in the rocks to long let me tell ya! There were some bushes out there but ah! well that's altogether another story. Thankfully!
So lets rock and roll dudes and dudettes!!

Well, we take off with all out chests sticking out just like we really knew what the hell we're doing. The first stop light we hit is the beginning of a massive road race to see who has the fastest jeep on pavement with them aired down. Some were smart enough to not air down. I hate smart guys don't you? It was 19 miles to the trail head BTW!!!!

We all get ourselves in line and air down and do all the intelligent things that have to be done in situations such as this. I went and pee'd behind a bush , but yes I did eventually find out how to get that little sucker into 4 wheel drive in case you were wondering about it. (ther jeep that is) There were I think about 20 trucks, Jeeps, toy's and assorted who knows what on this particular run. All as far as I could tell very well set up and not a poser in the bunch. Well, admitting to it anyway. I had on my best (I am the king) face on so  far no problems.

 We get to the trail beginning about 11:00. Ha! Just the way I like it too! It looks promising and turns out to be 3/4 mile (approximately) long trail. It starts off real interesting with an off camber climb and lot's of rocking and rolling.  Lot's of the quarter panels went south there and one particularly nice cooler was completely obliterated from numerous impacts to the rear rack. it was sort of oblong when they poor fellow finally got past that part. Man was I glad Mark and Bill coerced me into removing my half doors at that point. I would't tell them that of course, it just wouldn't the manly thing to do. Would it? After all Alligood was right on my tail the whole whole trail with a snicker on his face. Oh man! What a brash young feller he was. Wisely, he decided not to mess with my massive amount of tetestrone that day. He got me into a bit of trouble with a particular oral gesture towards something I should not have been a gandering at that day to. He came up and made a lude comment about the anatomy of one of the ah! Fairer sex and when I got done telling him what----- oh never mind! Anyway  her girl friend was sitting right next to me, she heard it too! Man I hate them smart assed kids sometimes ya know!!

so we get through this nasty part of the trail and right up ahead there's this squeeze they named Butt crack. Now I ain't so sure I want to drive Pokey into no stinking Butt crack!  Naturally I walk up and take a peek into this wonder of a rock quarry. Looks like the Pokester will get through but hmmmmmm! It may not come out the other side without looking like it was a turd that just squeaked by a massive hemorrhoid attack in the process! But! Like all good men do in a time of total fear of what someone might say about a guy who would travel this far to take the bypass, I drive right up to it like I ain't scart-o-nutt'n! still with the poker face. So far I got them other posers all fooled. heh heh!

Well "all who dared did the deed". This one guy does the bypass and starts spurting off some BS about how he has run all the trails at the hammers and this is the toughest he's ever seen. Immediately I wonder if he hadn't fallen down and got his head stuck up his ass or something. He named off all the hammers trails I've done and ah! Well! Although it was a very nice trail and there were some pretty darned good spots involved. It ain't no stinking hammers trail! All of the sudden I realize he has taken the bypass and is obviously a little dejected over it. He was talking in a kind of broken German accent and I only hear about 2/3 rds of what he said to begin with, so I let him get by with the comment, for now. Onward to the next obstacle then.

The next set of off camber downward part is pretty much uneventful except for one spot where old Matt and I had eye balls bigger than goose eggs I'm quite sure. Oh man!  But alas we were saved by my new and improved wicked driving skills and anti wrap set up that I installed just before the run. And I'm so sure it was also due to Matts loosing five pounds of ah! Well, we'll say weight in a hurry that the jeep was equalized enough to set us straight again before we embarrassed ourselves by sticking the Pokester on it's side.  Huh! ah hell! read it again you'll get it sooner or later.

So we meander on down the trail till the leader or trail boss who is driving one sweet TJ with big bucks tied up in it decides to go around a spot where he said he broke an axle on the pre run the previous week. Did I mention he said there would be virtually no rollers on this trail?? Well he dropped off a 3' rock and was supposed to set his left front on these two smaller rocks to ease himself over. Kilby was standing there telling us that another guy we know who was in the same spot and froze and dammed near endowed last year. Right in the middle of the sentence we see all those big bucks on the underside of the TJ and jeep of the leader do just exactly that. even from there I noted that he might should have gassed it so prevent such a disaster but hey! It's always easy to second guess a mistake and God only knows I've been there too many times myself. So I'm just making an observation is all. We all haul ass down there to see if he's all right and he comes plopping out of there like a ball. He, needless to say is not a happy camper. He has a hard top on and it really saved the side of the jeep. Took the top, left front fender,gauged the left corner panel, Pretty much obliterated the top but, thankfully the body was pretty much unscathed. Got some jeeps and OK! "and a Toy" to get a cable on him and rolled him back over. You can see in my pic's page of SR the results if you like. Once everything was under control he decided to start that baby up. Oooooo no I think to myself. He does anyway regardless of my thinking and it instantaneously hydra locks. slam! So they pull the plug's and I swear I've never seen one blow like that before. Blew oil for 50' at least out of all 6 cylinders. Had to do it three times in out, in out, to get it to start. And of course, it smoked like a southern barbecue for a while. He was pretty shook up at the thought of having to go home and tell the little woman too! He said the next day that her first words were--You asshole!!!!!   Hahahahahahaha! Sorry! It ain't funny but!

The funniest part was that after he emerged from the TJ he instantly opened a beer. remember the rules ? Then it took him (and all) 1 1/2 hours to extricate the jeep. Hmmmm! There was nowhere to move him and even if there was nobody would have, but! the rules ya know! And vitually no rollovers? Oh man! the poor guy is breaking them left and right! heh heh!

Anyway, we had two more tricky sections to do to get out of there. One of which the Kilbymiester did a fantastic wheel stand for us with his new and improved CJ springs on the back.  Hahaha! We rolled another one that day on the easy trail out but they just pushed him back over and no damage. Rolled two more the next day too! And it was at least a 20 mile road trip back!

I didn't personally run the next day because it was the same trail and anyway I was scared to. I really enjoyed taking 1 1/2 hours of film of the Saturday event however. walked the whole course and got some excellent film. Matt took the digital and got some very good shots again that day. Kilby ran it again as did 4XDoctor "Mike Dunkun" with his way to well set up kermit the frog jeep. Anybody needing anything done on their jeep that can get in touch with his shop should do so. He does bullet proof work.  Oh yeah! and test drive it yourself. Just take my word for it. Especially if it's one of his new bitchen Chevy brake jobbers! Oh my! Never mind, it's a private joke.

We met a lot of new ppl and all were just the best. I'm not just saying that either. I travel with, shall we say a very critical group of elitists and believe me they are like a bunch of old women. Nothing better they would have liked than to duck there heads down and just gab like hell about the posers on the trail.  Hahaha! Really though, Kirt the guy that owns two guys jeeping off road stores was ahead of the whole thing and he is without a doubt the coolest and a real hell of an exellent trip leader. I had a virtual no kidding blast and so did all the guys that were with me. We will be back next year.

naturally all this is what was totally seen or otherwise imagined by me and my eyeballs. anything misconstrued by you should considered a personal  problem. If you think your one of the characters involved, well you deserve it for being there with such a lude group to begin with. All that I see ain't necessarily so, so don't take it personally. Unless you think I meant it of course.  Hahahahaha!

See ya all on the trails some day I hope

Bud Boren